Keep on Truckin’

I saw the endocrinologist today.

She was nice.  She didn’t rush through the appointment, she spent lots of time, and she went over my whole medical history and asked lots of questions.  But at the end of the day, my blood tests show that my TSH is normal and she believes it’s in my head.

She says I’m putting blame on my thyroid when it’s not to blame.  I don’t know what to blame.  I don’t know why I feel so crappy.  She asked me what I’m afraid of – what do I think I have?  “Everyone googles their symptoms.”  She asked me if I was afraid I have cancer or something else.  No – genuinely, no, I don’t think I have a terrible disease.  I do think something is causing my body to be unbalanced and out of sync and I just want to find out what it is and fix it.

I have a lot on my mind.  Maybe the doctors are right, and I’m looking for someone who will tell me what I want to hear instead of the truth.  Maybe I am secretly depressed and anxious and that’s why I don’t feel well.  But you know what?  If that’s the case, then I STILL NEED TO FIX IT.

At the end of the appointment, I said, “I just don’t want to live like this anymore.”  She sounded surprised. “Really? It’s that bad?”

I didn’t know how to respond to that.  No, it’s not that bad.  It could be a million times worse.  But why should I live my life feeling mediocre and crappy when I could live my life feeling AWESOME?  I’m not going to feel guilty or stupid about wanting that.

I’m a bit stuck now.  I’ll do the tests as requested, but I don’t expect anything to come of them.

I guess my journey into alternative medicine starts now.

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